Laughter At Dawn

The Good Master, Again

2010-07-21T15:27:00.008-07:00

Yesterday morning I sat at the kitchen table with the Bible at one hand and some cookbooks at the other. I was actually more interested in the cookbooks at the time, until in my flipping through the New Testament between recipes I was snagged by a certain prayer in the book of Jude. Picture the double take, the record scratch, the dropping of the toast in my left hand, the whole deal. Thar she blows:

Jude 1: 24-25
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Able to keep me from stumbling? Makes me stand before God, in spite of all my numerous weaknesses and failings, not just blameless but with great joy? Praise to the One who is filled with all majesty, authority, and glory? AMEN!!

But wait, I kept on flipping, and there was more:

1 Thess 5: 23-24
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

God's making us stand before him without blame. There's no space for shame, did you hear that? He makes us holy, whole and integrated, spirit, soul, and body. He is the one who called us to him and caused us to respond, and He is the one who makes it happen. I place myself in his hands. That's my part. He does all the rest. That's his part. A masterful God indeed.

The staggering nature of these promises left me staring at the pages. I'm not working on my own. He's here, and with me, and for me, in ways so deep I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. Thank God.

Be Good

2010-06-11T14:09:00.002-07:00

That's what E.T. told Elliot.

I talked to my pastor this past weekend and mentioned how sick and tired I was of trying to be good. He responded, "Don't strive to be good- strive to love." I'm pretty sure that's the best advice I've heard this year: it's one of those simple, true comments that work their way into your head and heart.
It got me thinking about the difference between the two, and here's what I came up with.

Striving to be good vs. striving to love -

Striving to be good is when I'm following this moral and ethical gridwork I have mapped out in my head, developed from years of observing people, making judgment calls, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and talking with Christians. So when I'm trying to be good I'm checking to make sure I'm going according to all these lines and angles I've got worked out in my head of what a Christian is supposed to be like, and I'm trying to be successful and right by staying within the lines, and putting my energy into it, and things are supposed to work when I do that. But when stuff doesn't go the way I think it's supposed to when I follow the gridwork, I end up angry and frustrated and exhausted. Also, this whole framework is about me, how I can look good to myself and others and God, checking my cliff notes of the Christian life to pass the test, to manipulate God by obeying what I've got written down as his rules so he has to respond a certain way, to shape people the way I think they should be by acting in certain ways around them and toward them.

When I'm striving to love someone, however, the focus is totally different. I'm looking out at them instead of consulting my inner gridwork and painting by number. I'm looking out at them, seeing them for who they are, and acting for their deepest good because they are a creation of God or one of His children. It feels totally different, it requires an active and living connection with the living God yet requires less energy and work, and it probably blesses the people around me a lot more.

Thoughts?

How To Sing Hope

2010-01-28T12:04:00.002-08:00

Sometimes life is about as bland as boiled potatoes.

What is to be done on those long dreary afternoons or featureless months when things aren’t precisely bad or difficult, just… the same old thing? The now but definitely not yet, when Jesus seems to be the Once and, to be certain, also the Future King, but in the meantime – well... this is no bridegroom’s feast before us today, only the lukewarm pot roast the housekeeper left in the oven before she went home for the night.

What is to be done? Do we trill with the eternal optimism of Little Orphan Annie, “The sun’ll come out tomorrow – bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun! Just thinkin’ about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrows till there’s none.”

But what next, when the tomorrows come and the dusty cobwebs and faint sorrows are still there in the corners and the shadows?

Shall we take a more dramatic pose and cry out, “On and on – does anybody know what we are looking for? Inside my heart is breaking; my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. The show must go on!”

Lest we become sick at heart, we need a bright star of hope to set our hearts on -- true hope, hope that will not disappoint – something tangible this side of eternity to sustain us on our journey of the soul. I would despair unless I believed I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living (Ps. 27:13).

I find (however) that when I hit these dull seasons I mistake good things for the goodness of God in the land of the living. Hoping in people, events, and circumstances is inevitable. The problem is that each of these things can crumble. A certain dream seems within reach, and then suddenly I'm exactly where I started. Or almost worse, I’m somewhere different but it’s no more exciting or interesting than the last place. It's depressing.

Or again, sometimes the stories we tell to interpret our lives become too small, too restrictive, and we have managed our expectations down to the ground and in the process lost sight of that one hope that cannot disappoint: “Instead of a love affair with God, your life begins to feel more like a series of repetitive behaviors… The orthodoxy we try to live out, defined as ‘believe and behave accordingly’ is not sufficient to satisfy whatever turmoil and longing our heart is trying to tell us about. Our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of needs, the place where we quench the thirst of our heart with whatever ‘water’ is available” (John Eldredge).

I cannot sustain hope for the sake of being hopeful, and I cannot drink hope at the well of the next good meal, the next phone chat with a girlfriend, a healed body, the right relationship, a comfortable home. I need hope in something that endures and will never fail. I need to understand again the hope of my salvation so that it can break into my life.

Titus 2: 13-14 says “We wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own.” He HAS given himself – he HAS redeemed us – he IS purifying us and making us his own! We can see and hear and taste and touch that in our lives, and that is why we can rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Where then does this hope of God break into my life? As He enlightens the eyes of my heart, I see it again and again, all around – thank God! His Kingdom IS here now, even though not yet displaying the fullness of its splendor: it is in the way he has brought me (O miracle!) from darkness and bondage to sin into the Kingdom of light with the grace not to sin. It is in in the loving Spirit-enabled fellowship I have with believers, it’s in prayer, in answers to prayer, in the liturgy, in communion, in my praise to Him at the beauty of a sky-streaked dawn, in the very change He works in me as He makes himself known to me over time. He has rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Col. 1:13–14). This kingdom shines out through little rips and rents in this present darkness, salting my everyday life with flecks of light.

I am finding that as I hope in God’s promise to break in amidst the ordinariness of life, and when I see glimpses of the Kingdom manifested as the Spirit works in me and the world, I am not only seeing His grace of the moment, but I can be confident in the fullness of what it means for the world to come – and THAT sturdy hope will never be put to shame.

He came that we might have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)

After The Feast

2009-12-28T08:38:00.003-08:00

Now that Christmas is past and the long January yet to be gotten through, what are we to do?

"The happy morning is over,
The night of agony still to come; the time is noon."

Well, so that is that.
Now we must dismantle the tree,
Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes -
Some have got broken – and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week -
Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted – quite unsuccessfully -
To love all of our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away,
Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,
The promising child who cannot keep His word for long.
The Christmas Feast is already a fading memory,
And already the mind begins to be vaguely aware
Of an unpleasant whiff of apprehension at the thought
Of Lent and Good Friday which cannot, after all, now
Be very far off. But, for the time being, here we all are,
Back in the moderate Aristotelian city
Of darning and the Eight-Fifteen, where Euclid’s geometry
And Newton’s mechanics would account for our experience,
And the kitchen table exists because I scrub it.

from "For The Time Being: A Christmas Oratorio" by W. H. Auden

So in the meantime, let us stretch out our hands to the Redeemer of the time being, that through Him we might redeem the time, spend our love well, and scrub even the kitchen table to the glory of God.

Ripening Anticipation

2009-10-02T21:22:00.002-07:00

It was miserably hot again this past weekend, and I sat on my floor drinking an icy club soda with lime while listening to Sufjan Stevens’ Christmas albums, featuring such classics as “Did I Make You Cry On Christmas? (Well, You Deserved It!)”, “Sister Winter”, and “Come On! Let’s Boogey To The Elf Dance!”.

Today the weather was worthy of fall, being properly cool and overcast at last. Time for Christmas music again - I listened to Over The Rhine’s Christmas album, Snow Angels, dreamily lost in the blue jazz and Karin’s vocals. I began to think about the Christmas season, about seasons of feasting and fasting and the anticipation we feel in having to wait or look forward to something, and the deep sweet taste of fulfillment.

I think that sometimes when we have been waiting and waiting for something, when it’s at long last ripe, if bitterness has not overtaken you from the inside, you bite into it with such relish and release that the taste is sweeter by far than if you had been able to have it the minute you wanted it. Moreover, that period of looking forward to whatever the delight may be not only enlarges, but is a major part of, the experience of fulfillment. The Christmas season when we anticipate celebrating Christ’s incarnation is amazing in large part because of that anticipation and preparation. For a more mundane but no less happy example, I’ve just started a savings account for a trip to Greece next year with a dear friend and every two weeks when I put in a few more dollars I get to imagine how lovely that trip will be. I am becoming an advocate of the power and sweetness of anticipation, which is pretty wonderful considering that patience is not my strongest suit. I find I like this part of growing up! Change can be hard, the dry seasons are not fun, but I am just starting to see the pleasure that comes in alongside the pain of waiting.

Synchronicity

2009-07-07T10:09:00.005-07:00

Have you ever noticed that sometimes a whole bunch of churches and people you know are suddenly talking about the same theme, for no apparent external reason? It makes me sit up and take notice of what's going on around me on the spiritual plane.

Case in point:

- I subscribe to a couple different church podcasts. Andy Stanley Ministries in Georgia is doing a series on Decisions

- Tim Keller at Redeemer in NYC is doing a series on Decision Making

- One member of my small group is reading Andy Stanley's book on how decisions determine destination

- Another member of my small group just posted about how it seems every decision he is making right now is a consequential one that has the potential to affect his whole life

- my own church's topic last week was how the "slow fade" into sin or away from church or into a mess or what have you is just the final result of a series of one building-block decision at a time.

- finally, Covenant Life Church in Maryland, which I don't get the podcasts for but which some of my regularly-viewed bloggers attend, is also doing a series in which a key point is "You are only as wise as your next decision. You prove your wisdom in what you choose today."

Hmmm.

It's got me thinking about whether the decisions I'm making connect with where I want to be heading in all the various areas of life. I've never been one to freak out about whether my decisions are in the parameters of a small teetery knife-edge sliver of "right choices" that some people seem to think is God's will - decision-making is something he gave us to do, and I think as far as options for directions we can go, it's very broad.

But how good is it to realize direction - not intention - determines destination! It's not that we are not smart enough to understand, but that there is a huge disconnect. We understand that truth as far as picking which highway to take when we go somewhere in our car, but there's often a disconnect between where we want to end up and what decisions (path) we're making in our lives. It's a lot easier to see in other people, like with my acquaintance who just wants to settle down, have kids, and bake cookies but is choosing to date lots of men who lack the character qualities that would give her the future she genuinely desires.

Now to think and pray about where I hope to end up in light of what I have seen God doing with my life, and am I actually on paths that are gonna get me there...

In the Tumble Cycle: Fathers and Mentors

2009-07-01T22:21:00.004-07:00

One of my favorite movies is Moonstruck, and the main character's mother, who knows her husband is seeing another woman, spends most of the movie periodically polling people with the question, "Why would a man need more than one woman?" She shakes off answer after answer until she hears the one she's looking for.

Rose: [frustrated] But why would a man need more than one woman?
Johnny: I don't know. Maybe because he fears death.
Rose: That's it! That's the reason!
Johnny: I don't know...
Rose: No! That's it! Thank you! Thank you for answering my question!

Last night some of us watched Rebel Without A Cause and discussed it afterward, and it got the question of fatherlessness tumbling restlessly around in my mind. Three characters in that movie all have different father wounds from ineffective or absent fathers. And like Rose in Moonstruck, I've been polling people with my question, looking for the answer that feels like it fits.
My question is, What can we, as individuals and as the church, do to heal the men who in one way or another grew up without being fathered? Brandon thinks they're generally doomed, as we learn much more from absorbing than being taught, and such men will always be missing a huge piece of manhood, especially when it comes to leading a marriage, simply from lacking the model. Jennifer thinks it's a huge opportunity for the people of the church, those well-fathered men further along the road, to see the need and step up to be that stable, experienced person speaking into a young husband's life, or a teenager's life, over a long span of time. I think the Holy Spirit can give you the power to draw the line in the sand and break with your past, but it is hard and takes a lot of work and determination and drawing on God the Father to teach you what you don't even know you don't know.

What do you think?

escape to age 8

2009-05-24T14:39:00.005-07:00

I took a vacation this week.

Oh, it might not have looked like it to my roommate or co-workers. I didn't take any time off, or travel on the weekend, or any of those things that people generally call vacations.

But I left, laying aside my postmodern unceasing schedule of the last three or four months, leaving behind the strain and intensity I've been under for a while in the responsibilities and pressures and internal drives of this not-quite-26-year-old's world.

The sweetest thing about choosing to step quite away from my over-worn mental paths was rediscovering an uncomplicated level of life. A friend read me a Winnie-the-Pooh story and I laughed and laughed. How true and clean it was! I went to the library at the beginning of the week and found myself first in the JV section and then, for the first time in years, in the kid's section actually pulling titles off the shelves. Oh my goodness the delight! I have been a reader since first grade, and I used to come home from the library every few weeks with a stack of books that went from under my chin to as far down as my arms could stretch. Granted, there was less space from under my chin to the reach of my arms when I was a kid than now, but that is still a lot of books! I have missed the color and brain break - break from the grind of life, really - that reading good fiction will bring. I still read, but much less, as my time is doled out between work and ministry and friends and house chores and getting some exercise and all the details of adult life.

So there I was, "une Grande Personne" as the Little Prince would say, in the children's section of the library, and how the smile irrepressibly spread across my entire face as I saw and remembered all these stories that taught me and grew me and gave me friends and magic and travel and courage and kindness. The Giver, The Railway Children, Half Magic, The Good Master, Farmer Boy, The Voyages of Doctor Dolittle, A Wrinkle In Time, on and on they sparkled in my mind. I left with a tower of children's books in my arms, not quiiiite stretching from the top of my chin to the ends of my fingertips, but a considerable long pile wedged lovingly between my side and the length of my left arm.

Perhaps I have to grow well past childhood before I can be young again. This stack of books, this armful of paper treasure, brings me again to that simple deep delight. But it is even more precious this time around because now I'm seeing it in contrast to adulthood.

Changes Come

2008-11-03T20:46:00.002-08:00

Regarding the title, Over the Rhine has such great things to quote, n'est-ce pas? Or maybe I just see them through love goggles. Very possible!

We put our clocks back and the season change seems really real. It is dark now when I drive home from work and I feel my mind and body settling into the long deep of wintertime. We are such creatures of light.

This week is a special one. I'm going home for my Thanxmas visit (a little early this year, but to accomodate a dear friend) and it will be wonderful. It also means my work week is already 1/3 over and it's only Monday - hurrah! Home, home, my mother's house - what will I find? New things will unfold, I know. Red and gold leaves, nippy air, much love, an aging dog, health food urged on like no other, a great collision of heaven crashing into earth, beloved family who are fading, dear new faces among old and all mixed together in a brand new cocktail that I can't wait to see fizz up in joy and laughter and discovery - be it so!

autumn grey dreamy

2008-10-03T14:29:00.002-07:00

The soft cloudiness/ cool wind grey has set in at last and my thoughts are fleecy and dream-soft.

- I love pomegranates. I'm so happy they're in season.
- Chai tea with lots of milk is the quintessential taste of autumn. It makes visions of apple picking and wooly sweaters dance in my head.
- Being chilly on the outside and toasty on the inside is bliss.
- Happy and relaxed is just how a girl should feel.
- You know, looking back, this has been a wonderful year. I think one of the best on record. Thank you, Lord.
- Round Chinese lanterns have done for my room what fireflies do for a summer meadow.

Glory be to God for dappled things--
For skies of couple-colour as a brindled cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches' wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced--fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.
- Gerard Manley Hopkins

lonely onlys

2008-09-23T20:23:00.004-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about what it means for me to have grown up as an only child. In church on Sunday one of the moms turned to me after her eldest girl had just apologized for something the mom hadn't even noticed, and said, "She wants so much to Get It Right." This is totally an oldest/only child syndrome. I know all about it! Often when people find out I'm an only child they'll ask, "Ohhh, were you spoiled?" with a curious coy look, like they are thinking about what spoiled little children are like. I reply, No, I wasn't really. Which I think is true. I am blessed with great parents who raised me to think things through for myself and to work for what I wanted.

But just in the last few weeks I've been wondering if perhaps I WAS spoiled - in a way apart from the standard stereotype of being given presents or privileges whenever I wanted them.

Outside of the school arena, I never had to consider others when I was a kid. I didn't live in a family with other children around, and so I never had to share or let someone else have a turn when I was at home. I was the only child around to pay attention to, so in a way I had less chance to learn to think of others. And I feel like I've been learning how to do that ever since I got to college. So there we go :) that's the latest musings from the lower lefthand corner of the USA.

the Harry Met Sally question

2008-07-26T10:43:00.002-07:00

Yes, that perennial favorite - can men and women really be just friends?

If we're talking about a close, fairly intimate friendship, I think we gotta say yes, but, not really. And by that I mean, no matter how clear y'all articulate that you are Just Friends, in the real-life examples I know, one or the other person whether they admit it or not has some sort of romantic feelings and is hoping for more in the relationship. Truth? Truth. Sigh.

I've generally been the one who wants more from a close relationship with a guy and he wasn't as interested. Lately it's the other way around. I'm finding that maybe I need to take the responsibility that comes with that upper hand of power in the relationship (not being interested when the other person is) and maybe to continue in some no-man's land of "good friends," is arguably to take selfish advantage. Maybe that's not so respectful of a good man. Yes, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he is aware his hopes don't have much chance, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. I'm still musing on this. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

Speaking of which, I really, really liked the last guy. He liked me. We still like each other. But we just didn't have a similar vision about life. And so we're trying to be Just Friends by keeping quality time limited enough to keep either of us from resurrecting that hope. Harry, you were right.

Insomniac

2008-07-26T02:21:00.002-07:00

My co-worker came up to the front desk around 3 and we both had that "I'm totally stressed and overwhelmed being an assistant to these people today" expression. Her boss, who is on vacaation, keeps a bottle of wine in her mini fridge and I made some sort of joke about having a drink. She said unfortunately her boss had finished the wine before going on vacation, and I said Well we have some wine in the storage closet left over from the Christmas party. So she said bring it back - I'll have it nicely chilled for us around 5:30. I said Okay. She said I'm serious. I said I know, and grinned. So we chatted and sipped for two hours after work and it was great. We'd never really talked before, and I really like her headspace. Cool girl! And good to get to know her.

Unfortunately, drinking in any quantity gives me insomnia. I fall asleep fine, but I wake up in the middle of the night. Same effect for me as caffeine, even though alcohol's supposed to be a depressant, not a stimulant. Weird. Well here I am :) Blogging nonsense at 3am.

the metropolis

2008-06-17T21:38:00.002-07:00

They cram you into these little apartments with rent figures that make you laugh, then they pave everything and give you a special place to go find a tree, but don't think it'll feel like an oasis because you just can't get away from that sound of cars going by on the other side of the bushes.

It's alive, though. Can't deny that. The density of humanity means things happen. They don't always go forward (a rocking horse may be constantly in motion but it never gets anywhere) but even under this gently lulling sun and blue sky, things happen. The Spirit moves. People touch. There is this sense of a heavy river of connectedness, if you are lucky in your friends, and a sense of fleetingly tapping into that life flow, if you are not.

If you've never lived in a major metropolis, I'm not quite sure you really can know what it is like. For instance, I'd love to live halfway between my work and my church, but it's just unrealistic. That's the most expensive stretch of real estate in San Diego (plus the worst traffic stretch) so I'd have to go way inland past the 15 to find something in my price range, and THAT would put me away from everything that grounds me in San Diego in terms of friends and activities, plus that's where the heat makes life not worth living, plus when you live in San Diego, it's just wrong to have to drive 35 minutes to the beach. So, I won't be doing that particular move.

In Acts it says they moved to the cities and the cities were changed. Come, O ye young and ye impassioned -- here is soil for your eager lives.

the best that life has to give

2008-05-04T18:52:00.003-07:00

See, getting real takes a certain amount of thought and concentration. Fantasies and wishful thinking are fun because all they require is imagination. Realities, which can be both messy and rambunctious, demand work and consistency, plus you actually have to think about what you're doing. Bummer!

But the payoff on these grubby, sweaty realities is real pleasure, not this virtual reality junk, but actual, honest-to-goodness, living, breathing rewards that don't disappear an hour later when you open your eyes or turn off the computer.

And the deeper part is that your choices are imprinted on a soul that is eternal, and on people around you who will also carry on into eternity. Thinking and behavior have eternal effects, so think with your heart's eyes on what is lasting.

sweet Sally

2008-04-28T17:08:00.003-07:00

I googled "loving well" and stumbled across one of those gems of a blog that you would never have found if you were actually looking for it. Today's post is an excerpt from Sally's blog.
I deeply want to be like this when I have a family.

"On Saturday, we were getting ready for Easter lunch in which we had about a dozen people coming for lunch. Joy had peeled hard-boiled eggs to make deviled eggs. She then got a bright idea of how to make it easier, even though I had suggested the easiest way to fill the eggs. The result was a mess everywhere–I have never seen so much egg yellow on the hands of any one individual! How in the world had she managed to make such a mess? This at the end of a long afternoon of cooking and counseling another teen! She could sense how irritated I was with her! The Lord then gave me eyes to see this hormonal, young woman-my sweet little girl in the throes of growing up. She had “hurt” eyes as she watched me clean up her mess! Then I sat her down, and after having a couple of minutes to think about what I was going to say, I told her how much I appreciate all the ways she had been available to help me in setting the table and going shopping and putting up with the several hours of work we had all done. I told her that I didn’t always get my cooking right and how frustrated I often felt when I had put a lot of time into something like making bread or trying a new recipe, when it failed or tasted terrible. I told her I loved her said, “I am sorry if I offended you in any way. You are such a treasure to me and I know you were trying to do a good job. Thanks so much for all the ways you have helped me this week.”
The result was that a few minutes later, she climbed into my lap, all long, gangly almost teenage legs and all and said, “I am so thankful that you always love me, mommy.” a kiss on the cheek and she was gone."

opposite sides of sunrise

2008-04-15T21:13:00.003-07:00

My friend and co-worker informed me today via Yahoo! Messenger (a very dangerous internet "tool" for work) that one of his upcoming tattoos would say "Suicidal Sunrises" - a reference to how he and his bros in his motorcycle group lived, loved, and worked like there would be no tomorrow. I commented that my blog title, Laughter At Dawn, was pretty much the opposite of that. Though both images revolve around the first morning sun, I felt like the first phrase was an ending grounded in passionate extinction, and my blog title was a beginning grounded in newborn hope (perhaps in spite of all reason). Not that I'm better or anything :0) Absolve me - I'm just writing a blog here.

It got me thinking. He explained that all that passionate exhaustion of self was done in service to each other, their families, and their callings. The dreamy, idealistic part of me really likes the thought of pouring oneself out at that level. The rational, pragmatic streak says calmly that since actually you probably have a while beyond sunrise to live, you'll probably best serve everyone by pacing yourself at a sustainable level and planning for the future.

And then there is the internal anxiety I've put on myself in times past (like 2 weekends ago) by thinking I only have a limited amount of time to process huge amounts of information about life and living and come up with airtight answers to the complexity and messiness Right Now. I don't like that pressure at all. It's bad and unhealthy, both spiritually and physically. For me, I think I'll take the long view of sunrises, and laugh for love of the beauty each one brings to light.

love makes room

2008-04-03T10:16:00.003-07:00

People make room for the things they love - like photography, or a spouse, or children or work or alcohol or books or sports or sleep or God.

And when a person loves, they make room. Love steps backward and invites you forward. It makes space and lets you freely move toward it. It draws near, and makes room, and invites, in hope that you will choose to draw near.

love did it

2008-03-22T09:18:00.003-07:00

Hungering for the Lord this morning, I gazed at Dali's amazing painting Christ of St John on the Cross and as I looked, I realized that Dali painted nothing physical at all holding the Lord to the cross. There are no nails in his hands or his feet.

Love cannot exist where there is not the freedom to choose. And it was love that held He who loves us to the cross.

Christ defeated death by death and bestowed on us life. He has invaded our world and takes back what is his - us - defeating Satan who held us bound to deadness with our wilful departure from God. And Christ did not simply stand in as payment for our sins, oh no, in defeating death he Himself tore our bondage to Satan in two, the action of one who rescues us joyfully. THIS is the gospel of the Lord - thanks be to God!!

created to create... but to collaborate?

2008-03-21T22:17:00.004-07:00

"Art is a right and human thing, like walking or saying one's prayers; but the moment it begins to be talked about very solemnly, a man may be fairly certain that the thing has come into a congestion and a kind of difficulty. The artistic temperament is a disease that affects amateurs."
-G. K. Chesterton

I would strongly suggest, next time you hang out with a cool arty friend, that the two of you try the following creative activity: try making a single poem, story, or painting - together. See if you can do the push/pull, edit/compromise, inspire/expand dynamic. I've done both the short story and the painting versions of this game lately and it definitely works your head around. Exercise your humanity! Do art with someone!

good taste

2008-03-10T22:24:00.003-07:00

Sunday night I went out to dinner with a girlfriend and ordered a Thai mango chicken salad with this creamy mango dressing. It was a revelation.

That is all.

drinking your beer to the glory of God

2008-03-07T09:16:00.006-08:00

I've been reading G. K. Chesterton's book Heretics recently (unattractive title, huh, but the man writes in such a burstingly joyful and robust way I just want to kiss him!) and this last chapter was on Omar and the vine - "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam." It's really a gorgeous poem, you should read it sometime - I love the bit where it says "A book of verses underneath the bough, a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou beside me singing in the wilderness - ah, wilderness were paradise enow!" Anyway, Chesterton has some exceptionally clear and discerning things to say about this poem and drinking:

"The sound rule in the matter would appear to be like many other sound rules — a paradox. Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. Never drink when you are wretched without it, or you will be like the grey-faced gin-drinker in the slum; but drink when you would be happy without it, and you will be like the laughing peasant of Italy. Never drink because you need it, for this is rational drinking, and the way to death and hell. But drink because you do not need it, for this is irrational drinking, and the ancient health of the world.

Some one called Omar "the sad, glad old Persian." Sad he is; glad he is not, in any sense of the word whatever. He has been a worse foe to gladness than the Puritans. A pensive and graceful Oriental lies under the rose-tree with his wine-pot and his scroll of poems. ... Omar Khayyam's wine-bibbing is bad, not because it is wine-bibbing. It is bad, and very bad, because it is medical wine-bibbing. His is the wine that shuts out the universe, not the wine that reveals it. It is not poetical drinking, which is joyous and instinctive; it is rational drinking, which is as prosaic as an investment, as unsavoury as a dose of camomile. ... "Drink," he says, "for you know not whence you come nor why. Drink, for you know not when you go nor where. Drink, because the stars are cruel and the world as idle as a humming-top. Drink, because there is nothing worth trusting, nothing worth fighting for. Drink, because all things are lapsed in a base equality and an evil peace." So he stands offering us the cup in his hand. "

Chesterton ends with Jesus's wheeling reversal of this: "And at the high altar of Christianity stands another figure, in whose hand also is the cup of the vine. "Drink" he says "for the whole world is as red as this wine, with the crimson of the love and wrath of God. Drink, for the trumpets are blowing for battle and this is the stirrup-cup. Drink, for this my blood of the new testament that is shed for you. Drink, for I know of whence you come and why. Drink, for I know of when you go and where."

[pause while the heavens open in your head]

Seems to me that Christians are all over the map on this topic of alcohol - some are extremely disapproving and consider it evil or at the least stupid to drink. And at the other end of the spectrum, some drink their nightly beer to the glory of God. I've never been terribly drawn to alcohol myself - for the most part I simply don't find it very interesting. When I do actively want a drink it's usually not a good idea because I know I'm already depressed. But I would love to be able to have the option in my life to go have a drink or two at a pub with my mates and have that jolly, vitality-filled camaraderie. It makes visions of Oxford and the Inklings and men in tweed smoking pipes dance in my head!

compared to which, moonwalking is a redheaded stepchild

2008-02-29T19:14:00.003-08:00

Ever heard of the Balboa? If you live here you're probably thinking Balboa Park. Cool beans. I love Balboa Park. But my latest Bal love is a dance by the same name. Check it out:

These guys are ridiculously world-class dancers. The footwork's so slippy I think it looks like they're dancing on ice. Don't miss the his-n-hers slides at 1:01 and 1:12!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOvpPRhYyng

And yes, the dance originated in this general area of the country.

leisure on a rainy day

2008-02-23T08:57:00.003-08:00

I've been off of blogging for about a year and have just resumed, so this morning I checked a few friends' blogs that I used to like to read. Yeah, most of them haven't posted for a year or so either. I wonder why we all opened blogs after college and then abandoned them about the same time? Most likely we all were trying to keep in touch with our relationship network during the post-college diaspora, and then had about the same timeline for face-to-face local relationship networks taking substance and replacing the online one. I guess that's a good thing.

This morning I'm not sure what to do with myself, which doesn't happen too often. Ironically, just last night I taught (or rather, facilitated discussion) at my small group Bible study and my topic was Playtime - a God-centered perspective on rest, recreation, and entertainment. The discussion was so good. Loved it. And here I am the next day with two hours before I meet someone and no idea what to do in this time. Perhaps... perhaps I shall just wander outside and breathe some of this beautiful fresh air. It's been rainy and drizzly for a couple weeks now, but today the sun is shining and everything has that wonderful rain-washed quality. Mmmm, don't you love the smell of wet pavement?

TiVo, Mr Tilney, and me

2008-02-14T11:18:00.002-08:00

I spent this past Saturday through Wednesday housesitting for my boss while she and most of the office were out of town at the annual company convention. She has a lovely condo with an ocean view and two kitties and... TiVo. Now my boss and I have a good relationship, so she had lined up a bunch of things on the saved programming that she knew I would like, mostly 3 Jane Austen movies (PBS is in the middle of airing a bunch of new adaptations).

Understand that I don't watch television at home. DVD's, certainly, but not TV. I was shocked at how lulling and siren-ish that square black box is, especially when you can special-order and ffwd/rwd any TV show you like. There is a nearly inexhaustible feed of interesting and entertaining shows and well done films on cable that you could spend all your leisure time absorbing. And man does it make your "real" life seem less interesting! I'm reminded of a girl I knew in the theatre department who had a massive collection of movies and from what I could tell she spent most of her time sitting in front of her computer watching them. I'm sure inside her head it was filled with color and depth and excitement and human characters and emotion and everything that comes with watching a good story done well. But on the outside her life looked like that of a blob.
So I approach you, ladies [and gentlemen], in a moralizing strain. (By the way, that is a quote from Henry Tilney, who I now have a giddy bubbles-and-butterflies crush on thanks to TiVo's replay function.) ...moralizing strain: Life is definitely too short to watch television. At any rate, it sapped me of my inclination to do good things like cook or hang out with Jesus or work on my lesson plan for small group. It was good to have it for a day or two, but after that much better to get out of its reach.

The other part of this is that since everyone's been gone at the office, I have had almost nothing to do but read articles online for about three and a half days straight. It's like being paid to sit in a library! I read the complete online text of Northanger Abbey at gutenberg.org and a ton of cultural, literary, political, religious, and frivolous articles as well. My brain feels fatly fed. Yum yum. And my body is restless.

Conclusion? I love having my own little apartment under my domain, and I loved the Austen film adaptations but lost my head for a few days over too many stories (yes, it is possible to read too many novels, or watch too many movies), and I'm looking back on the week thinking about how a superabundance of entertainment and lack of occupation did not suit me at all.

Finally, if you can't imagine Britney Spears and Jane Austen happily merged, please click here.

Strictly Ballroom?

2008-02-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

Just lately I've started swing dancing again - it's been about 3 or 4 years since I did it much, and I'd forgotten how ridiculously fun it is. I did ballroom dancing last fall and really enjoyed that, but now swing's doing it for me.

Tonight I went to a ballroom party/dance and you know, it just felt like the night never maxed itself out. In contrast with my night out Thursday when I Lindyed, swung, and Balboaed for three laughing, sweaty hours and left replete and happy, tonight was civilized and correct and didn't seem very social. My leg muscles are a bit tired but the rest of my body and my breathing is tense and frustrated, like it expected to be poured out and got left at the point of expectation with no pouring out. I am now eating wheat thins and chocolate to reach that satisfied feeling. Ha ha!!

I wonder if it has to do with being a performer, that I expect an evening of dancing to be something you give every last drop of energy to. Maybe a little bit. But I think I just like going swing dancing best. However, Strictly Ballroom is still one of my favorite movies.

A very quiet return

2008-02-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

Greetings, friend. This stranger returns to the page.

My mind is full of images of twigs and leaves and the smell of damp earth. Good things. Clean, homely things. Simple things. My quiet weekend of rain and reading, baking and online chatting and more rain, has brought this on.

I read somewhere once that a man's prayer was that he would never lose his sense of wonder, and I pray that as well. I pray it for you too, if you're reading this. I can't think of many better gifts.

I would like to say that my aunt Ayala over at www.fiberfanatics.com is really amazing and I like her style, especially her blog, and also that the process of figuring out life and seeking contentment is mysterious and vexing but a fantastic adventure nonetheless, and that I enjoy being a woman, and an artist, and one who considers the inner workings of her mind. Also that I never want to exhaust myself in the pursuit of hipness and relevancy. In conclusion, Leaves of Grass is a brilliant title for a book of poetry.

apologies

2007-03-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

dear visitor,
I have apparently lost almost all interest in my blog - I'm sorry if you miss hearing my literary voice. It's just that I'm all involved in other stuff, and blogging is low priority, plus... it's been less and less appealing to put my heart out on an electronic page, so posts for the last months have been about things I don't really care about, so it all seems a bit pointless anyway. And then again as Bridget said when she stopped her blog (but I still have a link to it nevertheless), the home laptop is a lot less appealing when you've been sitting in front of a computer screen all day. Not officially, but because it looks like it's just happened, this blog is in a state of suspended animation until further notice.

But feel free to add recipes to http://forgetramen.wordpress.com cause that is my recipe-share blog and I love cooking :-)

cheers,
Julie

2007-02-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

Today I bought 3 apples, 4 organic pears, 3 roma tomatoes, some brown rice, some cocoa powder, and a two dollar box of spaghetti for $5.17. Awesome.

a smile, a ray of sun

2007-02-03T00:04:00.000-08:00

Some things I thought were important this week: tasting the scents on the air during my nighttime runs. chopping up 5 pounds of meat for future use. teaching my first Bible study to a group at church. finding out I was overqualified for the first temp job I applied for. settling on the 900 minute phone plan. getting my money back from my Australian bank. petting kitties at the Petsmart adoption center. overwriting painful memories at SDSU. deciding not to encourage someone who likes me. hearing about a friend's day. handling my oral fidgets with unshelled raw sunflower seeds. seeing an old sort-of friend without it turning into a heavy deal. receiving reassurance about an old doubt. praying powerfully on tuesday. I am glad of my week. God is good. all. the time.

stupid things I have done lately

2007-01-26T14:42:00.000-08:00

-driving without my seatbelt on (for brief periods of time) (intentional)
-having a 2006 registration sticker on my car until late January 2007 (laziness)
-washing my car at a do-it-yourself place, spending $7.50 in quarters, and ending with plenty of dirt and soap scum still left on it (a combination of inexperience and 9 months' accumulated dirt)
-stopping at a red light and then going through it because the motion of the cars turning left made me think we were all going (unintentional)
-leaving my right sideview mirror very badly adjusted so that I had a blind spot on that side (unintentional)
-nearly changing lanes into a car on my left (twice) (I looked first...) (unintentional)
-coasting through a red light (at least I think it was red- I barely noticed there was a stoplight there at all until I was passing under it) because I was looking for my freeway entrance (there was no one around and it was night) (unintentional)
-mangaged to get from my small group leader's house and onto the freeway at 9:00 at night before realizing that I was driving without any headlights (unintentional, and unbelievable)

I fear I have gone stupid about driving. I have been trying really hard to focus, look, and be aware, plus going over what I learned about driving, but it seems like most days I do something potentially dangerous or illegal. Not sure what to do about this. Ideas??

a series of punchlines

2007-01-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

I can't come up with anything as immediately satisfying as my carne asada burrito was for me this afternoon, with guacamole and hot sauce, at 3pm when I was most ravenous, from a hole-in-the-wall drivethru Mexican restaurant that was painted in wide stripes of yellow and red. Don't talk to me about questionable food sources and cockroaches; they had an "A" grade from the health department posted in the window.

My new boyfriend is named Ikea. He takes me beautiful places but also takes my money.

Verizon Man - who is he? What does he do? His onesie would indicate he's an auto mechanic, his manicure would indicate he's a jewelry salesman, his glasses and haircut insinuate that he's really a cooler-than-thou hipster, but since I've come back from Australia he's taken to showing tooth when he smiles, and when he does that he just looks like a print model who's sick of being the face of Verizon but keeps doing it cause he signed a contract.

I may not be addicted to transitions, but I sure get enough of them.

2007-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was what they would have called ‘travel day’ if they gave you travel days around the vacations at Hillsdale. It made me sympathize with all those people from Alaska (yeah, all two of those people) and the southwest who had to zigzag across the country to get to Michigan and college. It wasn’t really that bad, but it did take a while. This was partly due to my own choice. I was supposed to go Detroit-Minneapolis-San Diego, and when I got to the Twin Cities they had overbooked and were offering $300 vouchers to anyone who would give up their seat and take a later flight. As I had no particular time I had to be in San Diego I took this excellent offer, so I got home at 8pm instead of the original 1pm, and had another leg added to my journey. Detroit-Minneapolis-Seattle-San Diego. Probably another hour and a half of flight time. But, you know, it was good, cause it meant I achieved the following firsts:
-free airline ticket (probably to be used for the family reunion in July)
-sleeping in an airport (1 ½ hours dozing during my Minneapolis layover, much welcomed after 4 hours of sleep the previous night)
-not one but TWO flights seated in first class! (they upgraded me for being a volunteer! My opinion is yes it’s a little bit nicer, roomier, but not worth the extra prices. Free alcohol if you like that but I wasn’t drinking. They do take your coat and hang it up for you, which I enjoyed.)

So I moved into my apartment! Well, more accurately I met Tunisia, parked my car, hauled my bedding and suitcase upstairs, and fell asleep on the sofa in my room. It’s 4 ½ feet long. Comfortable, but not really any room to stretch one’s legs out J Buying a bed is the first thing on my list. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy this week, and I think it’s going to be fun unpacking all my stuff I haven’t seen for 9 months. Kind of like Christmas. At my house we have all these unique ornaments for the Christmas tree, from my mom’s travels in Europe, from this cool store from when we lived in L.A., and recent acquisitions from World Market. It’s always exciting to decorate the tree and find old friends as you unwrap each ornament. I figure moving in is going to be kind of like that.

That’s my situation at the moment! I feel like an explorer. Watch this space!!!

the year's twilight

2006-12-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

lately:
-$4 lip gloss yay
-hugging Trin
-rain and introversion
-facebook albums
-soup
-$15 Manolo Blahniks
-wise housing choices
-ipod sermons
-cliffhanger book ending
-rich dad poor dad
-peaceful, tidy room
-desiring contentment in all things

Thank you, 2006. It's been a good year.
Philippians 4:11-13

home sweet san dog

2006-12-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

Just called five people about possible housing in San Diego. Eeee!! Weird how some simple things can be rather exhausting. Though it's possible that the fact that I got up 2 hours earlier than usual this morning and that it's now midnight might be a contributing factor... Well, I really like the sound of this one place and have talked to 2 of the girls living there. It would be great if I got it.

Hugs to all! I'm feeling teddy-bear-ish.

girly frivolities and axle grease

2006-12-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

In general I'm not real thrilled with all the chain stores that smother America. I noticed it a lot coming back, that practically all the stores around are chains. Cloned plastic and steel rectangles of predictable and indeed confusingly similar stores. Haven't you ever been in a Target in a new city and had that disorienting feeling that you could be anywhere in the US? Granted, I like Target a lot. Better than, say, K-Mart or Jo-Ann Fabrics. But still... when I have to remind myself of my geographic location while shopping, it's a bit of a turn off.

And yet I have to say that I LOVE Payless Shoe Store. Yes, it smells funny, yes, half the shoes are plastic. But I have been waiting to go to a Payless for 8 months! They had Payless in Australia but it was different. The selection was pretty limited, the styles were tacky, and worst of all, they only had a few pairs of shoes in my tiny foot size. [side note: Australia's got Target too but it's like a ghetto K-Mart. Not just K-Mart. A ghetto K-Mart. So sad.] So today I borrowed a friend's car for a few hours and almost the first place I went was Payless Shoes. Imagine my ecstatic expression when I saw three quarters of a wall of shoes in my size! And more than that, they have varied, cute, trendy styles, and they're cheap without being junky! It meant I was finally, finally able to find a pair of slip-on flats to wear with my skirts that weren't an inch too long. They are berry colored and have a medium-width ribbon threading in and out around the rim with a nice bow at the front of the opening. (Rim? is this what one calls the edge opening of a shoe where one inserts one's foot? 'Hole' was the only other word I could come up with, and it sounds unattractive.)

OH! and as I was writing this blog post I got a phone call from my mechanic who says the first guy who checked on my car had checked it with the engine flooded and was totally wrong, so rather than needing $1000 worth of new engine it just needs some gas and a good service, and that so far what he's done will cost me $20. That is 2% of what I was budgeting for. That's almost the best news I've heard in three months.

cultcha shock

2006-12-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

I'm back in the US, back in San Diego. 8 months isn't a very long time in the scheme of things, but it is a long time to be out of your country. All these things that used to be and should be familiar and habitual are not, and it's kind of unsettling. So much for culture shock.
But truly I do love the bones of this city. The hills, the desert, the coast, the freeways. Welcome back, Julie.

in which All Is Revealed

2006-12-01T00:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't really said much of substance in the last month. That's because I was waiting to see how things were going to turn out and didn't have a lot to talk about while I was in limbo. But now it's all settled.

On December 13 I will depart Australia to return to the U.S. I have eaten enough mangoes and kiwis to last me for months -- I'm actually tired of them, which I would have said was impossible, and I am ready to come back HOME.

And between now and then I am having myself a vacation!!! I've already spent the last two days seeing all the bits of Sydney that I hadn't been to and wanted to, and on Tuesday I fly up to Cairns to see the rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef for 4 1/2 days! I have never been on a tropical vacation before, and man am I excited. This is one of the great natural wonders of the world, and I get to see it!! I will take lots of pictures for you, but it won't be the same as actually being there, feeling the air and the ocean and the sand and the water, smelling the salt, getting brown, getting back to the hotel at the end of the day exhausted, sandy, warm, and oh so happy.

Then when I get back to Sydney Keryn and I are going bushwalking for a day.

Already I've visited:
-Watson's Bay
-South Head
-Sydney Aquarium
-Royal Botanical Gardens
-got back from the last two this afternoon and was all hot and sweaty so I went swimming in the sea at 5 o' clock. It was great.

I'm also going home to Michigan for the holidays, which is exciting. Time to transition, process, love my family, remember how I hate the cold, see Anneli, re-evaluate, get pointed in the next direction. I'm excited about this adventure. AAAAHHHH!!!!

that would do for a last evening on the planet

2006-11-19T03:25:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how lovely tonight was. I got to listen to people. And I got to pray. There was one woman who I'd met a few months before when she had been habitually hard and angry, but tonight I got to hear her story of the last little while and see how she is a completely different person, resting in the Lord and in love with God like she never had been before. After the (really good) service she came back to me and thanked me and blessed me with words of encouragement. On the shuttle back to the trains I talked with the driver who I've been getting to know a little over the past 6 months. I got to heard his story of this past year and some things that are weighing him down this week. He's been such a willing and cheerful servant/friend to me and the others who ride the shuttle bus, I've been glad and grateful for it. And I got to tell him so, and pray for him as he embarks on new things. Tonight was precious. It's what it's all about.

What's with you today?

2006-11-09T03:49:00.000-08:00

I have a better question for you, Joe. What's with today, today?

hipster specs

2006-11-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

I like, and possibly love, Rob Bell. I listen to his church's sermons every week through the brilliance of podcasting. I think the two Nooma videos I've seen of his are v. v. cool. So I was tickled pink to see this excellent spoof of him on YouTube (which is my new favorite timewaster). If you've seen a Nooma film you'll get it, otherwise probably not.

One-Minute Sam and Aziz the Ghost

2006-11-04T03:40:00.000-08:00

That would make a really cool title for a one-act play (I only say this because it reminds me of the title of the one-act play Binky Rudich and the Two-Speed Clock) but it's actually the nicknames I made up today for our two cooks at Sabbaba. Whenever you ask Sam if your order is done yet he always says, "One minute." And Aziz is a ghost today because he got off work at 4 but had to wait around till we closed at 10 because he and Sam share a car and live far away, so he was drifting around getting in the way all night. But he's delightful. He's a FLIRT. A cute Indian Muslim kitchen boy and a flirt. (And yes, I flirt right back.)

Also, I have now been asked why don't I become a nun.

Also, I have my first Sunday off of work since June!!!

Also, I am at a genuine crossroads in my life. How about that.

currently listening: James Blunt

2006-10-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

I work nights the rest of this week until the weekend. This means I have absolutely no excuse not to go running every morning. Ugh! It's so healthy I can't stand it! But it (running) seems to be something I'm doing at the moment, despite my own disbelief as I head out in the morning about 3 times a week and mechanically start going through the jogging motions till it becomes loose and speedy. I even listen to sermons while running (it occupies my attention better than music) so it's doubly healthful. It all makes me want to take up smoking and 3am parties.

In other news, Australia sprang forward and the rest of the civilised English-speaking world fell back, so now when it's 9am here it's 5pm in Michigan instead of 7pm. Drat. Makes phone calls less convenient.

I've gotten (gone?) back to reading books. Today I actually read as I walked to work, doing just like Belle in Beauty and the Beast, reading and magically able to weave through the people on the sidewalk. I always used to do this in the halls between classes in middle school until I realized it would improve my social standing if I kept my book addiction a little more discreet. I had three days off in a row last week and read three books. I haven't done that for ages either. The concept of 'story' used to fascinate me and occupy me much as community and Kingdom-building occupies me right now, and it's been like returning to myself to be revisiting this hunger for fiction, for story, for redemption drama.

fyi

2006-10-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

Today I bought two Bibles and three shirts and breakfast with a friend.

I also found a website devoted to having really long hair and determined that long hair is gross.

2006-10-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

It's a rainy early summer night here in ol' Sydney. Another week gone by, another amazing Sunday finished, another week peeking around the horizon waiting for dawn to unfold. I anticipate confidence and beauty, change and fear, dwelling and restlessness - the mixture I've been getting most weeks, and one that never grows old. I love Jesus Christ. No white bread life for me, but one that's robust, flavorful, strong, nourishing. Amen.

1 1/2 years out of college and I'm technologically illiterate

2006-10-11T02:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it feels that way anyway. I have just gone to Blogger beta on this site, and in the last week acquired a MySpace page and a Facebook page (I think it's facebook... maybe another such site... I can't remember) and don't really know how to use either of the two latter. Also apparently people get notified I'm on MySpace without my mentioning it to them, cause two of my friends have contacted me to be added to Friends. Thanks to them I have two friends :-) other than that my pages are daunting and blank. Yay. I feel like my mother, who recently wrote me that a year ago she couldn't even have spelled "laptop."

I celebrate technology outpacing me by eating a dinner of dark chocolate alternated with raw walnuts, the kind of meal that feels great going down but pretty foolish thereafter. But I was noticing today that over half of my diet is fruits and vegetables. There's a little whole grain bread, some chicken, nuts and seeds, occasional beef or seafood, and some sugar and chocolate and coffee. That's generally what I eat. Not too bad, I thought. I think for dessert I'll go have a piece of toast with half an avocado spread on it and slices of tomato and seasoned with salt, pepper, and cayenne :-)

So today I sat next to a snappily dressed young woman on the bus who was evidently a director of movies, and she was on the phone counseling a friend of hers who was trying to find a partner. The kind of partner to "be" with. (Don't you love euphemisms?) Sample sentence: "It's like you're casting the leading man in your own romantic movie." I don't want to get into details because the whole conversation left a bit of a grimace on my face but basically I came away thinking how messed up modern relationships are with the whole sexual freedom thing having come in and undermined the reasons for marriage, and also how Sydney it is to have women acting like they're lofty princesses for whom men must vie with each other for the privilege of pleasing and whose feet men must kiss. Jeez.

Today I also got my hair colored for $20 at a sweet funky salon that has won awards, cause Keryn's cousin works there and needs people to practice/play on for some course he's doing. He's good. My hair is darker brown now, which is good, but sadly still reddish, which I'm so sick of even though everyone says how well red becomes me. I want earthy and not so warm. I want normal boring Sandra Bullock/ Jennifer Lopez tone on tone brown hair. My new color also has trendy random blond highlights among the medium reddish brown, just a few, in the middle layers of my hair so only the ends show through. It's fine. It's not making me ecstatic but I am sure I'll get compliments on it, and it was certainly worth the price!

Today I also changed my earrings three times. Cuz I'm an earring junkie.

fragment

2006-10-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

light

Keryn asked me the other day what was most important to me, what I needed. For herself she could not be whole without God, and her family, and dance. I replied, Jesus, community, and... I laughed as it came to me... sunshine.

What is it with light? What is so fascinating to me about it? The radiant golden floods of daylight that the early afternoon sun pours out is the kind of light I feel most at home in. It feels like home. It feels natural and comfortable, an outward match of what is inside me.

Some of my best times are directly related to the light. I hold precious the memory of the summer I spent working myself to exhaustion five days a week planting things at a garden center, because as the summer progressed I got in the habit of going to bed around 9pm and getting up at 5 to spend 45 minutes of free time in the newborn morning light with some black tea [laced with vanilla and maple syrup] and one of two Christian books that fed me that season. Being up before anyone else in the house is stirring has always been something I love, and though I can enjoy staying up late at night for the same reason that no one else is awake, the thin early sun is more than reason enough to make mornings my preferred time to lose sleep.

Walks coming home from work can, on certain shifts, hit sunset or dusk just right. Tonight, for example, the sun was setting back behind the city skyline in streaks of red and pink and orange and lavender. On the other side of the sky the moon was rising high over the ocean as it does every night, white luminescence against a deep blue backdrop. I probably spent as much time staring up at either side as I did where I was going. The moon does things to me. Makes my mind go a little bit spaced out. Lunatic. My friend Craig who spent five years in the bush with the aborigines doing nothing said he got so attuned to his body and the natural world around him that he could feel his breathing shift when the moon rose so that even if he was not in sight of the moon he knew when it came up.

apparently Prada = hell

2006-09-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie tonight. That's right. The Devil Wears Prada. Now from what I can tell (contrary to frequent expectation I am totally out of it as far as knowing what's playing, esp. on tv) stuff hits Oz ages after it comes out in the US, so probably this film is long gone where you are. But I saw it tonight. And I was disturbed. Jennica, this post is for you, babe ;-)

So in this film Anne Hathaway plays a smart, pretty college grad who really wants to be a journalist [and write for liberal publications] but in the meantime she's paying the bills and making contacts working as a personal assistant for the editor-in-chief (Meryl Streep) of what is basically Vogue magazine, a job that lots of girls would kill for but she's not that into it. The movie spends most of its time depicting her increasing entwinement with her job as her boss calls her at all hours and the job slowly becomes her life, pushing out her friends, her boyfriend, blah blah.

Here's why I don't feel like I wasted my money: Anne Hathaway has got the most beautiful shape mouth, and her eyes stayed soft all through the NYC stress.

Here's why I was horrified (you may notice I took everything very personally):

-How can she race around in those heels all day? Her feet must be cramping up allll the time. and she must need a full body massage every day.

-why isn't she sick? I would be sick! I would be dying from stress after three weeks on this job. (actually I'd have quit it after two.) To quote Han Solo: No reward is worth this!

-even before she got all glam looking it said she was always behind on her rent- so now where is she getting the money for her expensive makeup, her taxis, her things she buys as part of the job?

-heels, uncomfortable clothing, no time to exercise, moving at a fast pace but with tense energy all day long, a boss who is only happy when her employees are panicked and/or suicidal, being told that size 6 is fat all day long, no time to eat, no time to invest in relationships, having to be a slave to your cell phone at all times, always on the point of being ready to jump when The Boss whispers and with an ear constantly strained to catch that whisper, never being thanked -- I hate corporate and I hate all that New York implies for me, thanks to this movie [right now].

-the fashion industry, while it may be a 30 billion dollar one, is founded on... nothing. Ok, it's founded on looks. but to paraphrase the boyfriend, "You gave up your friends, your family, for what? for shoes. for shirts. for belts." It's this bubble. It rests on nothing, and it doesn't notice. It exists, but it's in a loop, there's no Jesus or family ties or world-bettering legacy that even the world would acknowledge worthy that it's founded on. It's self-perpetuating, and it's hell.

-Anne Hathaway's character was dangerously close to basing her self-worth on being able to satisfy her boss, whether that was coming from her need for approval or her determination that she would show the dragon lady that she could do the job. Actually if I were in the same position as she was I'd have done a lot worse than her -- part of the reason I'd have quit after two weeks. The dread of it would have done me in, but her character didn't seem to have as much anxious need to please this remote queen of put-downs as I would have, which I found admirable. And when Anne finally got the "compliment" that Ms. Editor saw a lot of herself in Anne, it was only then that she, Anne, saw that that was not the road she wanted to be heading down.

- I was painfully reminded of my job with Dr. G and how I was essentially owned by her while I was at work. Had to do some of the same kinds of errand running and impossible call making too. But the pace was a lot more tolerable as Dr. G was about 25 years older than Meryl Streep's character.

-the boyfriend. how could she be unaware of the lack of relationship that was happening as she worked all these months at this magazine? how could she just not seem to notice that the only contact she and her guy had was sleeping together every now and then, despite the fact they live in the same apartment? that's not a relationship!! didn't this trouble her? didn't she at least miss it?

-is it really that easy to get back together? you go to paris and sleep with a player who's been flirting with you for months and then when you've made the revelation and thrown your cell phone in the fancy fountain and tell your bf you're really sorry, even though he just broke up with you last week you he can say it's okay, I just got a job in Boston, let's move there. That's it? No more discussion necessary? Either that guy is full of grace, or he's banking on a long history together proving itself worthwhile in the end, or inertia is easier and more comfortable. Jeez.

Then I rode home after waiting for my first bus for 40 minutes, and the second bus from Bondi Junction was crammed full of Friday night holidaymakers in states from tipsy to drunk and swearing. Remind me to take the back-route 389 home and not the 380 next time.

But now that I'm here, I am so relieved and grateful to live in the world I live in. I just went downstairs for some peppermint tea and Brian and Julie, the middle-aged couple who have let me live in their upstairs, were on the sofa watching an older period miniseries. Brian was sitting upright on the sofa and Julie was lying with her head on the sofa arm and her legs across Brian's lap, his arms around her knees. It was so great to see a couple married for that long lounging around like teenagers. Julie may sometimes remind me of Miss Bates from Emma, and her jumpers may have no style (ditto Brian's khakis) but you know what? I would be glad and grateful to be them in 40 years rather than beautiful empty Lucifer wearing Prada.

more love more music

2006-09-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Monday, was my day off of work. Sunday had hit about 34 (90 fahrenheit) so I took it as a personal insult when the temps dropped 20C overnight. My day off which was to be spent mucking about on the beach had to be transmuted into a couple hours at the beach wearing a sweater and jeans. I ate a lot of toast and butter yesterday and read an entire book, No Compromise: the life story of Keith Green. It's a book that will change my life if I let it get in me and don't just end up going oh yeah, great book, moved me to tears. I'm praying that I won't turn my heart off towards how deep it touched me.

Today I had a headache for half a day, and I practically never get headaches, so I took it as a personal answer to prayer that the weather continued to suck and be cloudy and cool because I did a 7 hour shift at Sabbaba and I really don't think I would have gone well if it had become busy. Work... I have this feeling that my bosses, the two owners of the cafe, don't like me. Or rather don't like to work with me. I'm not sure why, though I have a couple ideas. It can make it a bit dreadful to head to work some days (today was one of them) but generally it turns out better than the dread expects. Dread is the worst. Ricky the cook from Fiji has the best dreds I've ever seen.

I've been bringing a few of my own mix cd's to play at work now that the owner/ music dictator is in Europe for 3 weeks, and I am proud to say that I am not only putting Sabbaba through the school of rock, I am also infiltrating it with the occasional non-obvious worship song.
Jars of Clay
Something Like Silas
Badly Drawn Boy
Spock's Beard
Belle and Sebastian
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Jason Mraz
Maroon 5
Pixies
Radiohead
Gorillaz
Coldplay
etc.

2006-09-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

Exciting is life, is it not.

thoughts that have crossed lately:
-where can I invest my life in ministry?!!
-oh my gosh I'm moving in less than 2 months
-man I wish I had real friends in San Diego
-I still have two books I borrowed from Ryan
-why can't I kick the angst today?
-one thing I've learned in Sydney is not to keep silent out of fear
-men can get very crabby when they have to ask for help
-in a bikini I'm just one more body on the beach
-I would feel guilty leaving Australia not having seen at least the Great Barrier Reef, but I don't have much inclination to plan to see it, what with plane ticket costs and already being sensitive to the little time I have left with my friends here
-how weird would it be if I went to Hillsong Leadership College and ended up marrying an Australian and living in Australia
-I miss drip coffee
-it is incredible that I live on a sunny second floor with four rooms and a kitchenette, can go for a run and a lie on the beach and a swim and work 8 hours all in the same day
-I think I have to find a new place to live in SD... don't think the old one is still available
-the LORD is my shepherd, there is nothing that I lack
-phone calls are backed up but at least I got through the emailing
-tonight is a chocolate night and I'm considering wine as well
-really need to vaccuum my living room
-sunshine IS redemptive

what you've been waiting for!

2006-09-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

Pictures from Japan. Oh yes :-) Comments included on some photos. I think you can see my other album from Ryan's visit to Sydney too if you like. Let me know if it works. There should be about 45 pictures and the link should take you to the detail view, which lets you read photo titles and any descriptions I added.

for all you visual and otherwise curious people, click here.

with a digital camera you can afford to be silly

2006-08-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

Australian still life: in this photo you will see
A) 80th Anniversary Commemorative Collectible Vegemite Glass [vegemite is a toxic war ration dark greenish-brown yeast spread that Aussies inexplicably eat like it's peanut butter. See this truly snort-laugh-worthy link for more information. go. now. you know you want to.]
B) mug of "Tasty" peppermint tea in Noah's Ark mug. Marketing is so touchingly simple here sometimes, the dear souls :)
C) money from my wallet. 1000 Japanese yen, 10 and 5 Australian dollars, 1 US dollar.
D) ZonePerfect bar. Notice the price tag, if your eyes are that good. YOWZERS!!! (or would it be "yowsers" in this country's spelling...) $3.50. Exchange rate notwithstanding (1 AUD = .75 USD) that is still really really expensive. And totally normal. This is the most expensive city I have ever been in. And you thought California was bad.

and kids? oh yeah :) I'm going to Japan tomorrow.

some pictures

2006-08-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Mom wanted to see my dress.

Australia is pretty. This is Snowy River country, as in The Man From Snowy River. I went skiing for two days about an hour's drive from here.

Answered phones for two weeks at an accounting business. Supplementary income while the cafe was dead mid-winter.

2006-08-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss San Diego. But then I realize that the occasional feelings of emptiness that make me want to go back to "my" supermarket, "my" beach, "my" traffic, existed in equal if not greater measure when I was in San Diego. How true it is that we take ourselves everywhere we go. A downer friend warned me against going to Australia, deriding what he saw as my irresponsible vagrancy, declaring how foolish it was to travel to find yourself. I actually didn't go abroad to find myself, but if I have moved in any direction spiritually since my arrival mid-April, I would have to say I have been (continuing to) find myself.

I've been very grateful for my friends this week. They've been good to me. Coming alongside in love, with grace, enjoying me for all that I am. Thank you.

Today I went into the water for the first time since June. I don't know how cold it was (remember, the seasons are switched here) but I spent a delightful 20 minutes in the water getting dragged around by the 4 foot waves and currents before starting to get chilly and lying in the cooling afternoon sun. I can say it was warmer than when I went in the ocean in Mexico last October though!

I have to figure out some effective way to turn the subject from myself when I meet new people. I've been here long enough that the instant they start asking, Oh, where are you from? Are you studying? What are you doing? How long have you been here? I get totally glazed and uninterested. It's like the questions during the first week of college, but it's been going on for almost 4 months. Actually, I don't know what I'm doing here :) but I'm interested to see what I'm doing next.

I'm ready for summer. And I swear that I can do anything when it's sunny.
SUNSHINE!!!!

shaken not stirred

2006-07-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

Wish I had some bonds. Ok, I do have bonds. I have Jesus. I have amazing friends both locally and across the world. I have parents who love me. But - and there's always a but - it's been such an exhausting week, unsettled last three months, transient year and a half, I am aching for stability and monotony for its own sake.

This past week:
- second and final week of new temp job
- inaugural chick's prayer night at Pen's house
- dentist visit
- new adventures with public transport to strange places
- connect group restarting
- a bad night spent on my knees in prayer
- weird weird dreams
- acknowledging an ending
- move to a new place
- discover I'm highly allergic to something in the carpet there
- spur of the moment ski trip
- 7 hours on a night bus to the snow
- 2 days learning to ski with three (experienced) middle aged people from church
- jet [bus?] lag on the road trip back with them
- singing for 2 hours in the car
- sleep at Brian and Julie's instead of allergy house
- altitude headache and complete muscular exhaustion demands a day of being out of comission
- move things to Brian and Julie's

Places I have lived since coming to Sydney:
- Sydney Central Youth Hostel
- Sydney Railway Youth Hostel
- Bondi Beach Youth Hostel
- Ryan's aunt's house
- house on Wairoa Ave stuffed with transient backpackers
- housesitting for the assistant pastor of St. Andrew's
- housesitting for the head pastor of St. Andrew's
- allergy house
- Brian and Julie's
if you want to count the ski lodge, that makes ten places in three and a half months.

all too true

2006-07-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

What Guys Think of Your Medium Curly Hair...

Artistic, friendly, and witty
The type of girl he'll stay up until 3am talking to ... on the first date.

What Do Guys Think Of Your Hair?

subbaculchta

2006-07-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

Australia's pretty Western. Pretty American. For the most part you can walk through a neighborhood or talk to people without particularly having cultural differences crammed down your throat. That's why when I do come across something noticeably different, and it's usually in the small things, it makes it that much more disorienting. Take nylons, for example. I've picked up a temping assignment for the next couple weeks because it's the dead of winter and things are slow at Sabbaba so I'm only working there weekends at the moment. This temp job has me doing receptionist work at a small accounting business and I needed some nylons to help expand my available wardrobe. So I go to the local department store and box after box of pantyhose contains... shaped stockings. I mean that when you hold them up they look like legs and feet. And have this odd texture that's almost coarse. And although they claim to have elastane you can hardly tell, so if your legs don't fill out the shape of the nylons you are cursed with bagging at the ankles. The state of Australia's nylons is about equivalent with that of America's in the 1950's. And yes. You could get them with garters if you wanted.

p.s. After a day of wearing weird saggy-ankled nonstretchy nylons I did finally find a pair of "super control" hose that are pretty much like normal nylons... though they have feet built in too.

I'm not a tourist, I live here!

2006-07-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

my favorite, most startling perspective of the opera house

view from one of the parks in the middle of downtown Sydney

cool cityscape near Darling Harbour

Sydney Opera House and part of Circular Quay and some city skyline. Snapped from a water taxi that stopped under the Harbour Bridge for this photo op. Darling Harbour would be out of sight past the right-hand side of the picture.

Opera House and the beloved Rusty Coathanger, I mean bridge

chilled out roos

You could put this in a museum of modern art.

view from Bondi Beach north toward the golf course cliffs

view from golf course down toward the beach which is just around that cliff

ditto view with the beach in sight

looking north from the golf course cliffs

yeah :) it's beautiful here.

soul flights

2006-07-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

It was like a movie. I stood frustrated in my living room, thirsting to throw color onto a canvas and having none of the tools available to do that, not even the knowledge of how to get some paint. I called Craig and he gave me the name of an art supply store just a few blocks away so I donned my coat and strode down the hill to Bondi Art Supply. With a slightly wild intense look in my eye I asked the clerk to help me find the paper I needed and soon walked out with $25 worth of cheap but decent poster paints, brushes (including one "splurge" soft acrylic-bristled 1" flat) and paper. Happier but still intent, I headed for home when the scent of fresh cookies detoured me briefly into a kosher bakery where I bought two warm chocolate-chocolate-chip cookies which I munched as I walked. Home again, I filled a glass with paint water, rolled up my metaphorical sleeves, and spent a theraputic hour speaking in color along with a burning worship soundtrack.

After I'd painted I played with my digital camera and somehow got this shot.

sorry it's been so long!

2006-07-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

Y'all have probably quit checking this blog since it's been weeks...
I have A LOT to catch up on. I may or may not actually get around to posting it all, but I can at least get some of it in over the next couple days. Today I will post... PICTURES!!! my mummy and daddy sent me a digital camera that arrived the day before Ryan and so I was able to visually capture some stuff in Sydney and Ry's visit. I will disclaim that the majority of the pictures I'll be posting here are actually taken by Ry. Cause he's a better photographer than I am! He actually has almost the same camera as me so he was able to explain the buttons and functions for me, how cool is that? When we were down at Circular Quay by the Opera House I was taking pictures of a seagull on a cafe table umbrella and I turn to him and ask, "Why on earth am I taking pictures of a seagull??" and he replies, "I was asking myself the same thing. But I thought, [in a Yoda voice] the camera, new it is to her."

ok, I'll start with the "my favorites" set and then maybe do animals, bondi, and tourism posts later. and catch up on the other stuff too.

My cliffs at the golf course. I love going here.

Ryan and his aunt and cousin and I went to the koala petting zoo one morning.

and a couple of Ryan

that's all for now, more to come shortly!

first thing this morning

2006-06-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

I served a guy in his 30's with a short mowhawk and multipiercings and when I asked if he wanted the value meal he said with an Aussie accent in the friendliest casual way, "No, fuck, baby, I don't believe in value."

In other, unrelated news, my head's all stuffy, I move across the street tomorrow morning,

and

6 days.

fullness found

2006-06-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

It's been 1 year since my arrival in San Diego last June 14.

Here's what my Abba provided for me very materially this week:
a free winter coat
a free place to move into for a little while (literally next door, no less)
extra work hours

Today I was:
-excited to make Craig, a new Christian and a musician, mp3 CD's of good Christian music before he gets ahold of all the bad Christian music out there
-joyful because I scheduled a hair appointment in a salon for the first time in about a year and a half
-happy looking forward to Ryan's impending visit
-expansive because it was such a beautiful sunny blue warmish day and I had the day off
-relaxed as I ambled along in the sunshine
-lively with my girls at connect group

lovin' it

dance pop reigns supreme

2006-06-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, folks. Consider this your first photo from Australia. So my manager is going to London and Stockholm on Friday to record songs because he won this Australia-wide contest, right? As we were listening to Nic's latest demo, a track called The Long Way Home, during cleanup at Sabbaba last night and I complimented Nic on his song, he gave me his MySpace address. So now you can have a look at my Ricky Martin lookalike model singer manager and even hear him sing. LOL

nic at night

get ready for galactic expansion

2006-06-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

hott. hottt. hotttt.

Don't you get totally jazzed looking at that list of pictures on the sidebar? Oh my gosh, you guys. I don't know. Once you go global there's no going back. I LOVE it. Yeah, I was in Edinburgh, Scotland for 2 weeks and driving all over Turkey for a month. (actually that means I've been going abroad once every two years for the last six years, and that's not counting the annual pilgrimages to Stratford, Ontario's Shakespeare Festival or the three trips to Mexico while I was in San Dog.) but it's different actually living in another country. Like earning money and going to the grocery store and hanging out with friends regularly. One of those things I'd heard about but couldn't know about till I did it myself. It's so exciting. Sky's the limit from now on, you know? if I can go halfway around the world I can go the other halfway around the world.

I'm not really thinking about what I'm going to do after my 5 or 6 months I planned for Australia, but I am definitely allowing thoughts to come to me. right now everything's like Hey, yeah! that's a possibility! here are some of them:
-Nieu Communities in Vancouver or Glasglow
-Bible college at Hillsong
-move back to San Diego
-move back to the US to some other city than San Diego
-go to Paris, perhaps in connection with the church Hillsong planted there
-apply for Australian citizenship
-get a job sponsorship that would give me a 4 year work visa here

There's so many options. While waiting for the shuttle bus to Hillsong Women yesterday I got to talking with Lucrece, also from the US, and she told me information I hadn't heard of about how to get tourist visas from 6-12 months long and how to be allowed to work on a tourist visa. I'd only been aware of a 3 month tourist visa during which you cannot work. And Craig told me about how when he was 20 he was going to uni in London and doing the grind to climb the corporate ladder in advertising and then took a three week holiday in Spain and stayed 5 1/2 years. so I have no idea where God will choose to direct me, but isn't it all FUN??? Wow!! Is she ever coming back, folks? I don't know, but thankfully He does and I don't have to worry about it :-)

time travels

2006-06-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

"Anticipation is a messy feeling. With anticipation you just don't feel a one-dimensional emotion, you feel like 80 things being stirred, mixed and blended inside of you."

It's official. Ryan is flying into Sydney International Airport the morning of June 24.

the numbers
it will be:
11 months since we met
6 1/2 months since we last saw each other
1 day before my birthday
7 days of leave
11 months left in the Navy

how do i feel? pick any of the following. I've hit them all already. excited - happy - freaked out - nervous - joyful - stressed - chill - victorious - weak - panicked - confused - content - resentful - strong - attractive - comfortable - glad - adventurous - trusting.

man. i feel like a woman.

counting them

2006-05-27T03:08:00.000-07:00

I found myself some beautiful leather boots for my birthday (June 25 I'll be 23).

Ryan lost his ATM card in Thailand and wrote me about how it brought the eternal perspective to him with such immediacy and beauty that it brought tears to my eyes.

Anneli is on her way to do disaster relief in New Orleans.

Craig encouraged me that I'm an extremely grounded person with right foundations and so even though I'm young and currently living a life blown around by the wind, this is the only time I'll have to do that and I'm doing it really well.

Amy and I skyped yesterday.

I talked to my parents for the first time in about three weeks and spent nearly two hours on the phone with them.

Lunch after church at St. Andrews was true fellowship around a delicious meal shared together.

Coffee after church at Hillsong Women was companionable and intimate time shared between loving girlfriends.

My community is in three or four locations and about five timezones, and though I am aware of the strain of this fragmentation it is ok right now. It is where I am right now.

Sometimes I can't stand the emptiness of the space between my own breaths. Sometimes I have these moments where I feel like the waiting, the not knowing, the excruciating slowness is too much for me to endure. But I look at my life and I find it blessed, and full, and missional. I take up the next thing in front of me and try to live in faithfulness and action. And the joy I have found is like nothing on earth. May it spill over and show them God.

untitled

2006-05-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

Things are different before a storm. The light goes faintly green and all of a sudden the frames of your doors of perception are slanted enough to make everything changed. You look through this watery light at the faces of people you knew and they seem both clearer and more indistinct. What you knew is brought into question and what you did not know is become obvious. The buildings are different, too. One garden gate bangs restlessly, no longer content to be a welcoming entrance. It wants to seek the world itself, not merely receive those who have seen places it cannot go. My curls have changed as well, becoming both more tender and more fierce. It is the rain in the air that softens them, bends them gently to the hand that strokes, but it is the wind, the textured wind, that lifts them from limp compliance into a substantial living independence.

There is no one to share this with. In telling it cannot be conveyed, it is for me and me alone. When the sun in all its straightforwardness shines tomorrow I will once more be blue skied blue eyed, and yet these slanted layers of subtlety will remain tucked in some corner of my mind to bloom out again, richer than before, in the next graygreen storm light. I will remember how it was true.

2006-05-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

After the disaster that was Wednesday night the last thing I expected was for Nic to call me at 10:30 the next morning and ask me to come in at 12, thereby giving me another 7 hours, and then again another 1.5 today, but that's exactly what happened. I figure the Lord works in mysterious ways, and he answered all that prayer :)

Last night a woman I met at St. Andrew's invited me over to her boyfriend's house for dinner for the three of us, then a fourth friend dropped in, then we all drove back into Bondi for a community concert fundraiser for a homeless shelter. I had fun hanging out with people in a casual setting and just chatting about stuff, and then the concert was good. I don't mean it was a good concert - there were about 8 groups I heard and talent varied from okay to truly good, but after a bit I sank into appreciation mode and became willing to receive what I could from the musicians. Even the a cappella choir singing songs from the 60's about pollution. My friend Craig was one of the acts and he sang three of his own songs, accompanying himself on piano. Vocally he sounds a lot like Rufus Wainwright only not so depressed, and the piano part reminded me of Ray Charles, intimate jazz.

So it was cool. I had thoughts provoked and talked about things with God and finished off the night sitting on the cliffs near my house singing songs at the moon.

full on

2006-05-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

I've been whingeing about my job for the last couple days trying to figure out how to snaggle more hours. I still love my job. I just don't love working 20 hours a week. Finally today I decided to just start handing out resumes to other places to work, hopefully (best scenario) getting a second part-time job in the mornings and working at Sabbaba afternoons and evenings. But I also decided to try to ask for more hours every time I have a shift this week, just put it out there as Nic's signing us out so that he gets it in his head. So I planned to be extra brilliant and cheerful and perceptive and handle everything with alacrity to prepare the way for making him glad to give me extra hours.

And of course, everything that could go wrong went wrong. I've never, ever had a shift like this at Sabbaba. I've never had stress affect me. Even when it's nuts I'm quite merry. But not tonight. I messed up a couple orders, sure, and one badly, but here was the main thing: as far as Nic's concerned, I broke the cash register (I didn't really but hey, what do my excuses matter) so we had an hour of understaffed crazy-mad-rush time with no register, just him and me. There was this palpable black cloud hanging over him and I was like, Beware of lightning bolts. Nic's really a sweet tempered guy, too, so when he said to me, "You'll just have to handle your own orders for now. Don't ask me any more questions because I can't talk to you," I was like, oh crap. I'm going to get fired. Thanks to my last job I've acquired the skill to breathe normally and speak normally (i.e. act professionally) when the stress is squeezing my insides dry, but my brains do slow down a bit and of course that's not great during a mad-rush time with your manager furious at you - it just compounds everything.

By the time my break came around Natalie had come in and Nic was recovering his temper though I still felt completely in disgrace, and I just made my falafel to take home instead of eating on my break. I ran for my whole breaktime. Speaking Gospel truth to myself. Breathing the name Yahweh as I breathed out. Naming myself clothed in righteousness and a daughter and claiming promises, and when I was done my armor was thick again and I could bounce and smile once more. Nic was pretty much all better too, and by the end of the shift he could share excitedly with me about this holiday he's taking in a few weeks and tease me, "Look what you did," when a bag I handed to a customer across the counter knocked the straws onto the floor.

But still. It was not the night to ask for more hours.

2006-05-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

These are the guys who live across the street from me. One of them came to sit on the deck railing about four feet from me as I talked to Anneli on the phone this morning.

Rainbow lorikeets, in case you wondered :)

rocks harder than diamonds

2006-05-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend was so terrific. Friday night I hung out with four girls at Shannon's apartment and we watched one of those weird foreign art films that just got too strange so we quit in the middle. I slept over and it was beautiful to wake up Saturday and sip tea in the morning sun in Shannon's living room with a couple of great girls. Then I worked and when I got off I went to the beach because the moon was rising as the sun was setting - WOW!!! Walked in the twilight for an hour, came home, went for a run (my first since moving here) and watched a bit of a movie with my housemates before sleeping for almost 11 hours.

Sunday, gosh, too much amazing stuff to detail. Church in the morning at the groovy little Anglican place down the road, met people, it's a happy friendly Bible teaching Jesus following place with really good espresso drinks made back of the pew seating section, pastor has a long ponytail and plays acoustic guitar, really solid meaty teaching, really solid present people. Oh, and the yard next door where the wild parrots live? I met the people who live there!

Church in the afternoon from The Rock via podcast while soaking up the sun and the corner of an ocean view we have from my house's back balcony. Mmmm.

Church in the evening at Hillsong where I am now officially involved in ministry, part of Shannon's team that invites people to Hillsong Women so I get to just connect up with girls I see who look a bit lost or by themselves and stuff, and just chat, and bring up Hillsong Women if it seems natural and tell them how awesome it is. Blessing other women as I was blessed. Love it love it love it. I got to talk with a girl who accepted Christ during the service, and it was awesome!!!!!! Also I finally found two people who are going to help me find what I can do volunteer-wise with Hillsong in Bondi. YAY!!!

I'm bananas for Jesus.

I'm not real big on signs, but...

2006-05-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

So two days ago I posted about wanting to be more active in stuff here, and listed some thoughts I had for how to do that. I published my post and walked out the door to see what was in the neighborhood where I could be a cheerful helping hand doing whatever was needed. And three minutes down the road from my house I notice an Anglican church, St. Andrew's. The door was locked, Wednesday 1:30pm, but I paused for two seconds to read the notice board next to the entryway. This is when the too-many-coincidences-to-be-coincidences began to happen.
1. A man (Craig) immediately arrives and unlocks the door and invites me in.
2. I introduce myself and my mission and Craig offers two things they need help with: making espresso drinks for the single-moms creche on Tuesdays, and the music ministry, of which he is head. (I came to Sydney with the intention of working at a coffee shop, and I've just recently decided that I want to help women, and obviously I sing.)
3. Craig invites me to sing with him and Nicole right then and there. The first song he pulls out is Summertime. The song I almost always sing when someone randomly asks me to sing something.
4. Darren is introduced to me. Darren is just getting a ministry for backpackers off the ground. I, being a backpacker, am drafted to help.
5. The next person who comes in is told, "This is Julie. She was sent to us by God."

So today was St. Andrew's Thursday morning "Cafe Harmony" featuring free coffee and free music. I got to sing jazz for three hours. Wow. Wow. And it's literally three minutes away. My community church!!! Expect the unexpected where God is concerned.

life to the full

2006-05-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am excited to say that I think I want to plunge full-on into life here in Sydney. As many of you know, my jobs and activities the last many months have left me with lots of free time. I'm now ready to be more occupied than I have been since I left college. First off I'm going to ask for more hours at work, or possibly find a second job. Secondly I'm going to try to get deep into ministries or volunteering at Hillsong Church. I'm a bit limited in that I don't have a car and church is in the city, a bus and a train ride away. So I'm also going to see if local churches have anything I could help out with as well. Thirdly I'm going to pursue friendships with some of the awesome girls I've met at Hillsong and also try to meet people from Hillsong who live in my suburb. I want your ideas too! I want to put my heart and my mind and my hands to use to bless others as I have been blessed. I'm eager but undirected.

Today as I was putting on makeup there came a pounding at the door. I leaned out the window and shouted, Just a second! When I'd pulled on a sweater and gone to unlock the door I found two men in blue shirts on the stoop. "We're detectives from the New South Wales police force," one of them said, flashing a badge. "Is Robert X at home?"
Turns out Rob's family hadn't heard from him in a month, he wasn't answering his cell phone, and they were very worried that something had happened to him. "Oh," I said. "Well, I saw him night before last, he cleaned the kitchen. He seems fine. He works at Darling Harbour at some restaurant. He's gone most of the time. I think I'm the only one in the house right now. No, I don't have his number or the name of where he works. I've only lived here a week. Yes, I'll leave him your card and a note to call you the minute he gets back no matter what time it is." The detectives took my mobile number and shortly thereafter I got a message from a constable asking me to call him back so he could ask me some more questions about the details of when I last saw Rob. However, before I returned his call I discovered at noon while trying to slip a note under his door that Rob had been asleep in his room the whole time. So I handed him the note and business card and told him I was passing on the responsibility to phone the police and/or his parents and tell everyone he was still alive. He groaned. "My mum's just ridiculous. And my sister knows my mobile's broken. OK. Cheers." "You're welcome," I said.

It's funny because up until this morning I had not seen a single police car or policeman since I arrived in Australia. And now I meet hired detectives flashing their badges at me, looking for my flatmate.

comfort me with raisin cakes

2006-05-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

Nic. the night shift manager. who looks like Ricky Martin. is awesome. because he buys organic dried figs and sultanas and offers to share. and yesterday (my second day in a row of double shifts that resulted in a twenty-hour weekend) after four hours of nonstop mad rush at work he waves this carryout 4-cup holder thing with a single drink in it under my nose and asks diffidently, Julie, do you want a latte? Nic! I said. I would love a latte. That would be brilliant.
(No, he doesn't like me; I'm pretty sure he's gay.)

Ricky's music therapy cafe oasis

2006-05-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

So I work as a waitress/ falafel maker/ counter girl at Sabbaba, a corner café open for lunch and dinner, owned by Israelis, staffed by people from all over the globe, serves mainly falafel and kebabs in pitas or on a plate. I really like work. The sign outside says Sababba. Food. Music. Friends. And this post is about the music.

During the day shift (12-5) Ortal and Ayelet generally are working and they play what seems like the same three remix cd’s over and over and there’s some terrible stuff, like this one that goes Hey child, stay wild, or one that goes Don’t say a prayer for me now / save it for the morning after, in this very morose sappy 80’s pop-ballad style. And then after 5 Nic the night shift manager takes over and it shifts to ultra-synth-dance stuff occasionally intermixed with Fleetwood Mac or Dido or the like.

But during the day shift, take five strides to land you in the kitchen and wow. Ricky’s music therapy oasis. Ricky is the day cook. He’s from Fiji (our night cook being Aziz from India) and has been growing his dreds for five years. I already knew Ricky had wicked taste in music, and if he was playing it, it was pretty certain I was going to like it. Pink Floyd. Check. A little REM. Check. Reggae. Check. And today… today was God’s gift to me in the form of Welcome to Ricky’s music therapy cafe, today we’re serving all your favorites cause we know you need them. I’d never heard Ricky play any of this stuff before but here it was, The Doors followed by Red Hot Chili Peppers. OHHH yesss. Riders on the Storm, Touch Me, Backdoor Man, Break on Through. Even before I fell over in astonishment to hear Jim Morrison’s vocals out back I’d volunteered to wash dishes for a half hour just so I could soak up Ricky’s reggae (what’s the name of that song that goes “What I really want to know / oh my baby / what I really want to say” – we had a blast harmonizing to it), then when he started playing Doors and RHCP I would do my job up front in the foggy atmosphere created by my depressed mood, Ayelet’s bad mood and Ortal’s bad music until I had to go surface in the kitchen to let Jim’s sedated hedonism breathe fresh life into me. And then Over the Bridge, Otherside, Parallel Universe. And it was Good.

something about being here

2006-05-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

One of the Irish boys has put a pair of pants in the freezer with a note on the door saying Please don't move the jeans, M.

I discovered what birds are making all the noise in the mornings. It's just the wild parrots in the neighbor's tree.

The thing I miss most about the States is the existence of the letter R in speech.

There're these cliffs all around the wiggly coastline in the Sydney area, including where I am in Bondi in the eastern suburbs, and last night I was restless and pensive and sad so I went for a walk and a think. I ended up at the shaggy-grassy coastal golf course that's five minutes away (you can just walk onto the green, and it was unlit so no one was trying to golf) and lay on the rocks five feet from the unfenced cliff egde and the sixty foot drop to the sea. Stared at the stars. prayed. and finally took off my shoes and danced in the dark wind.

I am loving it here.

welcome!

2006-05-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

new place, new light, new beginnings, new blog.