a series of punchlines

I can't come up with anything as immediately satisfying as my carne asada burrito was for me this afternoon, with guacamole and hot sauce, at 3pm when I was most ravenous, from a hole-in-the-wall drivethru Mexican restaurant that was painted in wide stripes of yellow and red. Don't talk to me about questionable food sources and cockroaches; they had an "A" grade from the health department posted in the window.

My new boyfriend is named Ikea. He takes me beautiful places but also takes my money.

Verizon Man - who is he? What does he do? His onesie would indicate he's an auto mechanic, his manicure would indicate he's a jewelry salesman, his glasses and haircut insinuate that he's really a cooler-than-thou hipster, but since I've come back from Australia he's taken to showing tooth when he smiles, and when he does that he just looks like a print model who's sick of being the face of Verizon but keeps doing it cause he signed a contract.